Writing letters as a form of grieving

The death of a loved one can throw our lives into intense emotional turmoil, causing us to experience a devastating upheaval that is emotionally draining, overwhelming, and confusing. What was once our sense of comfort, stability, and support is no longer. Coming to terms with this circumstance and the grief it brings with it, is difficult, to say the least. Not only must we navigate through emotions not shared, stories unheard, and things left unsaid, many of us will attempt to find closure where there may be none. One way of helping us cope through death is by writing out our grief in the form of letters to the deceased. While it may bring strong intense emotions that at first are hard to handle, if you stick with it, it can have therapeutic benefits by allowing you to share, say, and express your grief through conversation.

In this article, we will take a look at how processing grief through letters can benefit you. We will provide tips on how to actually go about writing a letter and provide you with a sample letter. We will also provide you with prompts for what you can say and ideas on what to include during the writing process. Finally, we will round out with how to participate in the burning ritual for when you feel it is time to truly let go.

While everyone grieves differently, it is important to remember that grief is not linear, and it can come and go when you least expect it. According to Harvard Health, there is some research into how disclosing deep emotions through writing, can help us cope with intense feelings of grief. This is simply because the act of writing the emotions, feelings, and thoughts out on paper, releases the stress of holding the feelings in.  Writing letters of grief allows you to freely and safely express yourself without judgment and provides you with the ability to explore and reflect on the death without being shackled to your thoughts.

When you choose to write a letter to a deceased loved one, you are provided with the opportunity to sort through any conflicting emotions that you have about the person. You can share thoughts and emotions that you want them to acknowledge, and you can express what you need for closure. Writing may also help you make room for other thoughts, help you develop an understanding, or un-muddle thoughts about death and life. But most importantly, writing helps you preserve the memories you want to keep.

While you may not be able to physically touch your loved one or see them while you speak with them, choosing to have a conversation out loud or on paper can provide you with comfort. You can still share your jokes, your successes, and your failures with the deceased and foster a sense of connection with them. It can be very easy to get hung up on the fact that they are no longer with you, but it does not mean that you can’t have conversations with them, even if they are one-sided, they are still worth having.

There are no rules on how to write a grief letter to a loved one. The only thing that should be kept in mind is that you do not want to edit yourself as you write, and you do not want to hold back. However, if you are looking for a step by step guide, try the following:

These are just a few of the thousands that are available. If you don’t like any that you have found, try writing a bit of poetry or sayings yourself to see if you can come up with something that is more fitting of your loved one.

While there are no rules on how much you should write or what format your letter should take, generally, you want to address your loved one and write the date down. Of course, like traditional letters, you may want to close it off with your love as to help the writing process come to an end. For those who may not know where to start, here is a letter from Richard Feynman to his wife, who passed away from Tuberculosis at the tender age of 25.

The burning letter ritual is for individuals who have gone through the process of mourning or grieving and are now ready to let go of any and all intense emotion associated with their deceased loved one. The emphasis of the burning ritual is on letting go of the old, healing emotional wounds, and inviting new and positive energy into our lives.

If you have been writing letters to your loved one for a while now, you can choose to either 1) burn all letters you have written or 2) create a new letter for the ritual. Give yourself plenty of time to write the letter. Do not place any time constraints on yourself and allow yourself to write freely. Include everything that you feel about the person and why you feel this way. Write about the impact that they had your life, good or bad. Finally, write the hard stuff down. If you feel ashamed, stupid, or scared, write about it. In “blurting” it all out, you give yourself permission to start the healing process.

This can either be a fireproof bowl that was specifically picked out for the burning ritual and contains sentimental value, or it can be as simple as something that you already have on hand. If you do not have the ability to purchase a fireproof bowl, you can use a fire pit outside or a working fireplace. The key with this is to have a fireproof vessel that allows you some privacy during the burning ritual. Ideally, you want to be able to go outside or sit in a quiet place where you will not be disturbed during the process.

The idea behind this is to read the letter out loud as if you were talking directly with your loved one in conversation. Why is this important? Reading out loud allows you to lend emotion to your voice, give energy to your words, and to place your emotions into the area immediately outside of yourself. Please, take your time to read. If you need to stop at any point because the emotion is strong, allow yourself to take the time needed. Cry and laugh, but most importantly, do not rush through. The more energy and emotion you are able to express out loud, the more powerful the ritual will be for you.

Once you have read your letter out loud, hold it close to you. Take a few moments to think about what you have read and reminisce on your loved one. When ready, hold the letter out and release your loved one by saying something along the lines of, “I release [name of loved one] and their energy from my life. I release with gratitude. I release with love. I release you to the universe and will now begin my journey of healing”.

For some individuals, tearing the letter helps with the release of emotion. Others prefer to watch the letter slowly burn and fade into ash. Consider which action you would prefer to take, prior to the burning ritual. Place your letter (or its pieces) into your fireproof vessel, light it (carefully), and let it burn. Sit quietly and watch the letter burn. At this point in time, try to associate happy memories of your loved one. However, if nothing but tears come, that’s okay.

If you are outside, you may choose to scatter the ashes in your yard, bury them, or allow the wind to take them where they please. Or, you can choose to save the ashes in an urn, until you find a place where you want to keep them or scatter them.

Take time and care to do this slowly and purposefully. Clean it out until none of the ashes or letter fragments remain.

If you find that there is a big void, where you were holding all of the grief, consider choosing a word or mantra you want to draw into the void. This could be love, it could be about compassion, light or even joy. You can associate with your loved one, but the key is to choose a positive phrase.

If you find that the loss is too heavy, you may choose to make the burning ritual a traditional ceremony. It could be done on an annual basis or however often is needed to help you deal with any lingering emotions of sadness, grief, or anger.

If you would like to physically send a letter to God, there is a postal department in Jerusalem that will accept it. Simply write out your letter and then mail it to “To God, Jerusalem” and it will be forwarded to Israel’s postal service. The letter will then be sent to a unique location in Jerusalem, called the Western Wall. The Western Wall houses handwritten notes of prayer and well wishes from individuals all across the globe.